Tuesday, December 10, 2024
[I am currently taking Spravato treatments weekly. I have been doing this since mid-July, so going on 6 months. It finally feels like it may really be working. Don’t worry, I still plan to post many dark and horrible things.]
Basic setting for the series of “pipe dreams”:
The world is a bog which pulls at us constantly, keeping us mired in thick and sullen muck. Our bodies are corpses animated by our brains. Our brains trap our minds, keeping them fixed on the physical world, meshed with a raw organ made of fat and protein.
On Esketamine, I drift free from the mire. I feel only loosely attached to my body. Often I feel I have risen free from my brain as well. My thoughts are clearer. Not more rational, necessarily, but more free from emotion, assumption, and distortion. More pure.
Sometimes I have little epiphanies. I think about things in a new way. I can’t say with certainty whether these realizations are better, more accurate, or more meaningful than the ones I have when my mind is wandering (usually while I am in the middle of doing something else, like reading a book).
Later, I remember a lot of what I thought about while I was floating free. In some cases these thoughts are accompanied by feelings or states of mind that I can no longer reconstruct afterwards. But the thoughts themselves have some merit, even though they come from a drug-addled brain. They make sense to me, although without the altered state that accompanied them they seem much more mundane.
Black Hole Radiation 