Wednesday, September 25, 2024
I just got done talking to Mom on the phone. I’m feeling very depressed right now: I have tasks that I have been procrastinating that I really can’t put off anymore. But I feel lousy. It’s been a really hard day as far as getting myself around and getting things done is concerned. I feel worse today than I have for a while.
After I got off the phone I had this strong need to tell someone that I might not survive this. I don’t really talk about suicide with anyone because I don’t want them to be worried all the time. I don’t want to burden my family. Also I think it’s just hard to talk about. It’s hard to just come right out and say it.
But for some reason this time I felt like someone really needed to know. I thought about calling Josh but he has been feeling a little low lately and I don’t want to burden him further. I thought about calling mom back but I don’t want to dump anything further on her. I can tell my therapist on Friday but that’s not really the same thing.
I might not survive this. I might not be around this time next year. I might not make it until Christmas. The good days I have experienced from Spravato have given me some renewed hope and sort of “interrupted” the building feeling I had that I was going to break sooner or later. But that hope can’t last forever. Sooner or later I’m going to accept that this treatment isn’t working, that I have pretty much tried everything, and the anguish is too much to bear.
Depression is a potentially fatal disease. Not everybody survives it. That’s just how it is.
Black Hole Radiation 