Saturday, October 12, 2024
[Since I have had several searingly painful episodes over the last two weeks, I think it is appropriate to remind myself of what step 1 of healing from depression is. –ed]
Reading back through some of my entries, especially the negative ones, has got me thinking about my frustration over the slow progress I am making. I went to a gaming meetup on Thursday and though it was a little disappointing (mostly filler games were available, beer wasn’t that great) I still enjoyed it and it was a big step forward, or at least a good sign that I am making progress. This is tempered by the fact that this progress is very slow, characterized by a lot of reversals (like basically the whole month of September), and only in its early stages. I have a long way to go before I can contemplate resuming work on some project or other. Basically, I did something that I recognize as a sign that I am getting better (and will also help with my recovery) but that also reminds me of how slow my progress has been.
I often think that being able to accomplish everyday tasks is the first element of recovery. That’s sort of the ground floor–can I keep myself from going back to bed? Can I clean the cat box? Can I make a decent dinner? Can I take a shower? Can I go outside for a bit? But really, the first step to recovery is survival. Can I avoid killing myself? Can I avoid going back to the hospital?
It would be very easy to just give up and drive away and find some cliff to jump off of or some other way to kill myself. It would be easy to get myself committed again. Not easy in the sense that it would be easy to get myself to do these things–I would have to fight my sense of responsibility and my dread of feeling guilt. But easy in that it wouldn’t be hard to kill myself or get sent back to the mental hospital if I really decided to do that.
So really, the first step of recovery is just to survive. The first step is to be able to do that absolute minimum that is required to stay alive and keep everything from collapsing around me. I have to deal with the finances, buy groceries, make meals, get myself and T out of bed, and practice at least a minimum of hygiene. I have to take care of the cat. Anything beyond basic stuff like that is just icing.
I should give myself credit for the effort it has taken to just survive. Not everybody would have endured what I have endured. Not everybody would have struggled like I have struggled. I’m sure a lot of people in my situation would just give up and acknowledge that they are seriously mentally ill and should not be taking responsibility for things that make it worse by causing stress and self-recrimination. I’m sure there are people who would have handled things better than me, too–people with more mental toughness or resilience, or who have faith in a higher power, or something like that.
I often say that depression is a potentially fatal illness. Not everybody survives. Survival is the first step. First you have to resist the urge to kill yourself. Then you can try to make progress from there.
Black Hole Radiation 