This is a recurring idea I have thought about for at least a decade. It’s one of a collection of concepts/interpretations/scenarios I’ve developed while struggling to make my depression comprehensible to others, or even to myself.
The idea is this: imagine that every person in the world had a small black box with a round red button on the top. Pressing the button would kill you instantly. You would have no further thoughts, you would feel no pain, you would just fall down dead.
Most people would treat their button with great care. They would lock it up somewhere, encase it, hide it, anything to be sure that it did not get pressed–accidentally or on purpose.
I would keep mine in a dresser drawer and be constantly tempted to push it. In fact I don’t think it would take me very long to do so. The temptation would just be too great. All I have to do is press this and it’s all over? No more suffering, no more anxiety, no more dread? Just a quick movement of my hand, maybe just on impulse… and the decision about whether to live or die would be made irrevocably.
Even during my better times, when I’m not feeling too bad, I would be tempted. Just to end the uncertainty (will I ever recover?) and be done with it all.
This is why I think if I was diagnosed with an untreatable, terminal illness my first emotional response would be relief.
Black Hole Radiation 