Tuesday, December 31, 2024
After a couple of disappointing treatments this one was intense. I lost myself in a pure joy that was radiant, unified, whole. I felt I was part of the light. I felt for a moment like I was Jesus or Buddha. I wished love and happiness for everyone.
This experience is a little harder to recapture than previous ones because it was mostly free of thoughts. It was just a great feeling. I remember repeating “pure light, pure joy” or something along those lines along with my breathing.
At one point I had a vision of a distant future where some god or civilization or super-AI was creating brains in bubbles floating in outer space. There were rank upon rank of them. Each brain was attached to its mind or soul. The author of this project had the brains/minds experiencing Nirvana and you could see the brains lighting up with orange flashes and glows. I thought this might be what heaven was going to be, a future state where minds were reattached to their reconstructed brains so they could experience pure joy.
I occasionally thought about how mind blowing this experience was, especially as I was coming down. I thought several times that this was a life-changing experience, although I knew at some level that when I was back to normal I would not be able to reconstruct the feeling. Also, I thought that if I could bottle this I would for sure be a billionaire. I mean, a drug that makes you feel pleasure, joy, and spiritual fulfillment at the same time?
It’s probably for the best that I only have a fuzzy memory of the experience….I can see how an addict could crave this kind of thing.
[Jan 6, 2025: I’m surprised I neglected to note one thing that has grown in importance for me as I recall this experience. As the joy was mounting I thought, completely out of the blue, “I deserve this.” The more I think about this the more significant it seems. At some level I still love myself. At some level I still feel worthy of happiness. I have gone through some hellish suffering over the last few years. I staggered on, barely alive. So now I feel like I deserve some happiness to make up for that. Even though I remain, as always, very self critical and dissatisfied with myself (right now it is 10:20 and I still haven’t gotten T out of bed; there is so much that needs doing today and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it) I also feel that I deserve to feel good which means I must feel that I have merit…
…I almost wrote “some merit.” This is typical of me, always feeling I have to qualify things to be accurate. There is always a “but,” a “well,” a “kinda,” a limitation of some sort when I compliment myself–so “some merit” is more accurate because it is closer to the way I feel. But shouldn’t I work on not feeling that way? Would writing “merit” instead of “some merit,” (and “I should work on not feeling that way” instead of putting it as a question) help me feel more positive and confident?]
Black Hole Radiation 