XX What now?

Haven’t posted to my bloog in a while. See? It’s been so long that I forgot how to spell blogg.

My mood has been on the decline and my anxiety on the rise over the last week. I really hoped that March 2025 was going to be the month I bid depression goodbye for good. After all it’s been a year since my collapse and hospitalization. But it seems I still have a way to go yet, which is a better thought to have than my usual thought that I will never be well and the suffering will never end.

At least my ADHD feels a little more under control. They keep giving me new meds and it seems at least that part is helping a bit. I feel like I am so full of chemicals that I would give a cannibal a bellyache if they tried to eat me.

This is all costing a lot of money, most of which is paid by the insurance company, who are compensated by the government. Your tax dollars at work. I will replace the usual thought that it is not worth all this trouble to keep me alive with the hope that someday I will be able to repay some of the debt that I have accrued by taking much more from the world than I have contributed.

Whether a person is truly obligated to be a net positive to the world is an ethical question that I don’t intend to answer. All I can say is that I feel that obligation myself. I’m aware that I judge myself differently than I judge other people. I am aware that I am certainly underestimating my own contributions. Those may be facts. The way I feel is also a fact and cannot just be brushed aside or dismissed as distorted or unhelpful thinking.