Sometimes I have a vision of endless days stretching away from me, like when you stand between two mirrors that are not quite parallel and see endless repetitions of your profile growing smaller and smaller down a corridor. In each day I will have to repeat much of what I am doing at the moment. This is never a happy thought when I have it; I don’t have this thought when I feel good about something.
This thought/feeling is always negative because it always comes when I feel like what I am doing is pointless and will just have to be repeated over and over again with no enthusiasm and no joy. I have to keep doing it because it is necessary for me to take care of myself and T physically (cooking dinner, taking her to the bathroom) and financially (paying bills, organizing insurance coverage, etc.)
I have had many times throughout my life when I have noticed the pointlessness of all this repetition of meaningless tasks. Meaningless in the sense that I do them because I have to, not because they bring me any sense of accomplishment or happiness. I have had times where I felt I could perceive the meaning drain out of the world as I stood there, leaving everything colorless and worthless.
Many philosophers and metaphysicians have imagined that time is circular, and the same sequence of events will play out eternally. You will live your life in sequence again and again. I sincerely hope to God that isn’t true. I can’t imagine anything more horrible.
Anyone who thinks depression is a choice is an ignoramus. We humans can never have complete control of our thoughts. We can deal with them in helpful or unhelpful ways when they arise, though here too we do not have complete control, and thoughts have a tendency to slip out of our grip like an oily wrestler and put us in a headlock again. We can try to choose what we feel about our thoughts but there our control is even feebler.
In depression, you feel much worse about the bad things and very little pleasure when good things happen. The same is true of memory–I remember past defeats with shame but past triumphs do very little for me. I recognize that this is unhealthy and distorted. I don’t choose to feel that way–who in their right mind would? But if you don’t feel pride in an accomplishment you don’t. You can’t convince yourself into feeling pride, just as you can’t just decide you believe in God when you really don’t.
Still, they say you can pray to God to help you believe. Maybe you can ask your mind to stop going to dark places all the time and serve you up some more helpful thoughts and memories. It’s worth a shot, right?
Black Hole Radiation 