Tuesday, January 28, 2025
[I was going to write about neglecting my blog, how I am feeling, etc., but this encapsulates it pretty much. Anyway, I think my attempts at self-expression in this moment should shoot for “thoughtful and interesting” rather than “boring, repetitive, and whiny. –ed.]
My mood has been a lot more unstable than usual. I have had abysmal, agonizing lows interspersed with some feelings of happiness and positivity (fleeting, but still). No long periods of feeling good or great. Everything seems very fragile.
The worst part is that I only feel really bad when I start thinking about my depression and the situation I am in. That is when I start feeling anxious, even frantic, and I feel deeply painful feelings lurking. If I can quickly distract myself, not thinking about it, then I can maintain some equilibrium.
Sometimes this happens the other way too. If I start thinking of some positive things I will start to feel some optimism. The problem is that I almost inevitably take notice of that, which leads me to think about my mood in general, which leads to fears about the bad stuff, which leads to the resurgence of torturous, agonizing feelings once again. I can see this happening, and I can try to distract myself, but it is difficult because of the way my mind works. I can’t keep it focused. It’s like a toddler I have to continually watch over and guide away from danger before it hurts itself. No, don’t play with the saw, no, don’t touch the hot stove, no, don’t stick that paper clip in the electrical socket, no, not back to the saw again… I can’t ride herd on my mind all the time. Also I can’t seem to guide it towards positive thoughts as easily as I would like. Because positive thoughts always remind me of negative thoughts, and positive moods always remind me of my mood in general.
I think what I need is a good distraction in times like these. A project I can work on that will keep me occupied. I will have to think about what that could be. Writing is okay, but it leads to thinking, which is a problem. Reading doesn’t help as much as I would like because my mind wanders all the time. I don’t seem to enjoy playing computer games or solo board games anymore, but maybe I should give it another try. But do I really want to re-engage my computer game addiction? I have a lot of possible projects on my to-do list but that just reminds me of bad stuff, like how ineffectual and pathetic I am.
Maybe some kind of puzzle would work. A crossword? Sudoku? I might be too aware that I am deliberately wasting time. Maybe some practice that would help me with ADHD. I need to work on meditation and mindfulness more.
I think helping other people with their depression issues could be a good thing, but I seem to be in worse shape than anyone else, except possibly T and I can’t talk to her about depression without feeling worse myself.
Black Hole Radiation 