About

This blog grows out of my struggle with depression. I have thought about starting it for years; now I’m finally doing it. The idea/urge is closely connected to my thoughts about suicide, which are sometimes constant and never very far from my conscious mind. The idea was to put some of the thoughts I have had “out there” in public. Then at least a few people might learn that I existed and I had some thoughts I felt were worth sharing.

I don’t know whether or not I will commit suicide. The end seems close on some days and far away on others. My current treatment (esketamine) seems to be working, at least for now. I don’t know if it will continue to work. I still have bad days, though not usually as bad as before. I am fairly confident I will live to see 2025, at least.

Anyway, I have other reasons for starting this blog. I want to express myself. To explain. To draw attention to the fact that I exist. To share my thoughts in case anyone finds some of them worth reading.

I’ll be posting some things I have written over the last three decades. Some of it might be interesting. Some might spur you creatively. Some of it will be dark. If you are likely to be adversely affected by talk of suicide, descriptions of mental pain, and extreme pessimism, stay away from the posts marked XX.

A lot of my woolgathering concerns philosophical, scientific, and/or mathematical subjects. I am no expert in any of these fields. These posts just represent where my mind went on a particular day when I thought about a subject that interested me and decided to write down the results. Anyone with a better education than mine will probably find all kinds of gaps in my reasoning, and will certainly perceive my limited knowledge of what has been written on these subjects before.

I don’t intend for there to be any rhyme or reason to what I post when. I will post what I feel like when I feel like it. In the end, I just want it to be out there, on display, even if nobody is looking.